Monday, January 31, 2011

Jealousy

“O! beware, my lord, of jealousy; It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on.”-William Shakespeare Othello
Does the object of my affection feel love from me? Can they see my feelings in my loving behavior or am I lashing out? Am I blaming them for a love that is painful in the hope that the love will die. If I push them to be cruel and unkind, will I no longer feel the pain of being without them? Am I asking them to take responsibility for my love? Am I asking them to destroy it? Am I finding faults in the person I love; faults that are not there? Am I hurting you because I do not wish to love someone who doesn’t love me? If I hurt you enough I know I will see the worst of you. I will hear you yell and scream, full of hatred and you will appear as someone that I am wrong to love. Although it will not change the feeling, it will only assist me in hiding it from myself.

“Though jealousy be produced by love, as ashes are by fire, yet jealousy extinguishes love as ashes smother the flame.”-Marguerite of Angouleme, Heptameron, The Fifth day
Jealousy is the feeling that encourages you to walk away from a painful situation. The pain starts to consume everything within your life. You watch them in their relationship and you believe that if you wait long enough, they will leave their lover to be with you. They don’t leave and you simply wait in pain. If they felt the same pain and anguish that comes from the distance between you, they would come to you. It would be so unbearable that they would feel compelled to make that decision. They are not in the same pain, you plead for them to move on, yet it is you that must do this. Jealousy is the feeling that tells you to move on. Explain how you feel so you have complete conformation that they do not want a relationship. This will hurt but in the future, you will not feel regret that you should have said something. Close the chapter and move on.

“Now they’re going to bed and my stomach is sick and it’s all in my head, but she’s touching his chest…I just can’t look its killing me and taking control.”- Mr Brightside by The Killers
With love you want someone to be happy, but watching or imagining their happiness becomes unbearable. It is in sharp contrast to the pain that you feel. It becomes near impossible to believe in other loves or a future without them. The future seems to hold more of the same and in many ways it seems as though they have stolen your possibilities for happiness. They are experiencing everything that you will never have. It becomes difficult to understand, how someone can be so happy when it causes you such misery. There isn’t a solution to this. You can try and destroy the love that you feel but it can’t be done. You cannot control the love that you feel and you can’t control the pain. You can control how you express this pain in the world. Allow yourself to feel this pain when you have time on your own. Eventually it will pass. It will not pass because, the love was wrong and you have conquered your feelings. You will reach a point where you’re exhausted and tired. You won’t have the energy to cry anymore and it will become easier. There will be relief and what comes after that is up to you. 
 “Jealousy is all the fun you think they had.”-Erica Jong How to save your own life
So you have created this notion that they exist in perfect bliss, with the happiness that they stole from you or you could imagine that life is terrible for them. Although the second will cause the problem that if you believe their relationship to be shaken, then you will wait in pain in the wings. Does it matter whether their relationship is good or bad? The state of their relationship is a question that will tear you apart. You are not a part of their relationship and the more you become involved; the more you will feel excluded.

“Jealousy would be far less torturous if we understood that love is a passion entirely unrelated to our merits.”-Paul Eldridge
We do not decide who to love. We have no list of requirements. We love people without explanation and we often, don’t fully understand the object of our affection. You can try prove you are worthy of someone’s love, but you cannot summon love to a relationship. Maybe it is rational for them to love you; maybe you are perfect in every way. Even if every rational sense they hold, tells them that you are perfection; they cannot make the decision to love you.

“Jealousy, that dragon which slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive.” -Henry Ellis
Jealousy brings out the worst aspects of our behavior. Through jealousy I must appear to be a hideous beast; an angry devastated creature that yells, ‘love me’ and then wonders why it is not understood.

“The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves.”-William Penn
No one wants to remember a time when they experienced the pain of jealousy. They do not want to remember acting badly. They don’t want to remember the attention seeking behavior that became normality. They don’t want to remember that they struggled to let go. They don’t want to be reminded of the lingering regret, that they handled things so badly. They do not want to feel the painful embarrassment that comes with hindsight. They’ve all experienced it and they all try to forget it.

Then someone comes into their life who believes that they are perfection. At first they are flattered and they don’t take it seriously. Then it starts to become a problem. They won’t leave them alone and their attention seeking starts to cause problems. It is also making them uncomfortable. It reminds them of a time they behaved the same. It reminds them of a time they would chose to forget. As painful as it is, it would be good to remember. If we accepted how we behaved and the intensity of our feelings, we could show compassion to others who are experiencing a pain that we find so familiar.

“If it's just a little fling a simple thing, I’ll try not to pretend. If it's just for jealousy, she's using me
that might be hard to mend…Cause she keeps whispering your name. She keeps on whispering your name, like she's just waiting”-Whispering Your Name by Alison Moyet
It is impossible to make someone love you. You cannot create that powerful emotion in another. When some people realize this they attempt to create another emotion. They attempt to create jealousy even though this is also a powerful emotion. These emotions cannot be destroyed or created. They are a constant that exist as a dormant influence or an active presence. They choose to create this pain within the one they love in order to explain, ‘this is how you have made me feel and I want you to feel it so you can understand’. Although this pain isn’t created within the object of their affection; it’s created within the people they use in their attempt to create jealousy. They create the pain in the person they pretend to love. When all comes to light, they see the damage that they have caused and they are once again confronted with their original pain.